Late Night Confession – Monday, July 31, 2017

Got up and ready, went to Starbucks on the way to work. No caramel for the latte they’re out. Bummer.

Arrived at 5:45am and switched out laundry, cut fruit, opened the addition, opened the gate.

A staff called in sick at 6:27am –  we’re already down 2 for vacation and 1 moving apartments – panic sets in. Text other staff to see if anyone can come in early. Kiddos start arriving at 6:45am. Two right away, then another. They help me fold laundry. 2 more arrive. I get a text saying a teacher can come in early – halleluiah -7:30am teacher arrives, 7:45am another teacher arrives. I go grab breakfast for both rooms. Help in 2/3’s Room with breakfast. Get ready to go outside with kiddos. I come back in and clean up from breakfast.

Hang out with kiddos outside in the garden, pull weeks, look at a grasshopper, check on the duck – repeat for 2 hours

I get lunch at 11am and prep it in both rooms.

Toddlers and PK come in.

Toddlers wash hands with other 2 teachers while I plate food and serve them paying careful attention to food allergies.

Kiddos are ready for nap. We do bathrooms, backrubs, and soft singing. I head on break with a teacher from PK, we run quick and come back.

It’s now 1pm and the other 2 teachers head out. I clean the floor, tables and chairs and then bathrooms. A child wakes up. I calm him back to sleep. Another child wakes up from a nightmare. I hold him and try and help 9 other children back to sleep that woke up when he screamed. I realized I might not steam the floor. I hold the child while I steam the floor and he falls back asleep. I put him back on his cot. Another kiddo wakes up coughing, 5 more kids are up again. It is 1:40pm. I try and finish the bathrooms quickly. A teacher comes back at 1:50pm. I go grab snack for 2/3’s and put it out. The other teacher gets the milk ready. While one teacher changes diapers and gets swimsuits on (It’s 85 and we’re having a water day), the other sits with kiddos at snack, and I spray and sanitize cots while putting blankets in the wash.

3:20pm and I’m doing sunscreen on the kiddos. 9 down, 6 to go. I bring 7 with me outside because I can tell they’re over waiting. I fill up water in the cooler and grab cups. I check on the other 2 teachers and take a few kiddos out with me because the PK teachers are out and we’re well within ratio. I make my to-do list. I gather some required forms from a new sub so I am licensing compliant. A parent calls and asks a question. 15 minutes later I’m back outside. We’re low enough that I can grab my to-do list and go the store. It is 5:07pm. I grab my purse and keys and try and find my shoes…. Where are my shoes… oh yeah they’re in the PK Room. Grab my shoes and get in the car. Dial my husband tell him I’ll be home at 9ish. Hangup and feel like a terrible wife for 10 minutes. Go to Sam’s Club and get my items on the list. Go to Walmart. Leave Walmart and decide I “need” Starbucks. Head back to HWG. When I pull in it’s 6:06pm and my other 2/3’s teacher is leaving…. At 6:06 when she already came in early.. I feel terrible.

I unload my vehicle and look at the grass. I switch both washer and dryer loads in each of the machines. I restock the supplies. I head out to the shed and hop on the lawnmower, it is 6:50pm. I mow the back, mow the garden path area for the kids to run on and then move to the front. It is 7:30pm and I’m thinking I might be home by 8pm. I put the mower away and remember I need to grab county billing sheets and my to-do list. I gather everything I need and walk to the car. It is almost 8pm. There goes that goal. I drive home and my gas light goes on…mental note for tomorrow morning. I arrive home it’s almost 8:30pm. I head inside and see my husband. I wonder if he’s mad. I know he’s not mad, but I feel like a crappy wife when I come home this late. I head out to water the flowers. I come back in take a quick shower and then unload the dishwasher and reload it.

I sit down…. Look at the clock and realize I need to order Melaleuca by midnight. I ask Josh what he needs and place the order for that as well as work. I remember I didn’t send the snack menu out or the new staff email… winning. I look up and it’s 10:11pm I’m off to bed. 5am will come fast

1 am comes faster. I wake up having a panic attack thinking about the county billing which needs to be done so that I can submit the balance to the grant billing by the end of the week. I start to sweat thinking about my line of credit and if I will have enough to cover the taxes coming out if the county doesn’t pay quickly… I realize I will have enough but then I remember that I didn’t send the lunch menu out or the snack menu. My brain starts to wonder if parents think I don’t have my crap together… I remind myself they don’t know everything I have to do.. I repeat what my therapist and I worked on “I’m trying my best. I’m doing a good enough job”…. It doesn’t work. I get up and go the bathroom, and make a list of what I need to do the next day. I lay down in bed and look at the clock. It’s 3am.

The alarm goes off at 5am and I bribe myself with saying I’m going to buy Starbucks so I get out of bed. Round 2, let’s do this.

This isn’t pretty, but it isn’t ugly either. It’s just part of my story. There will be things I forget and there will be things behind the scenes that no one knows I do. But it doesn’t determine my worth. My husband doesn’t hate me, even though I feel like a shitty wife quite often. He’s one of my greatest supporters. He knows what I’m fighting for and encourages me. I will walk inside my story… I will advocate for change… I will not judge myself by an impossibly high bar that NASA couldn’t reach with a spaceship… I will continue to work towards being an ex-overachiever…almost.

2017-08-09T10:23:34+00:00August 9th, 2017|The struggle is real.|0 Comments

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